10 Memorable Books That Never Existed

(THE BOOK OF LISTS gets all postmodern on your ass...)

1. The Curious Experience of the Patterson Family on the Island of Uffa, by John H. Watson, M.D. (late of the British Army Medical Department)

A Sherlock Holmes exploit mentioned by Dr. Watson but never set down on paper.

2. Hansard's Guide to Refreshing Sleep (19 vols.)

One of the dummy works which seems to be displayed on bookshelves in the home of Charles Dickens at Gad's Hill. The spines of these make-believe books were used to mask some woodwork that the great novelist chose to cover up.

3. Mad Trist, by Sir Launcelot Canning

One of the nonexistent books mentioned to build up the atmosphere of mystery and menace in the story "Fall of the House of Usher," by Edgar Allan Poe, who died in 1849.

4. Memoirs, by The Hon. Galahad Threepwood

The title of a nonexistent autobiography to be found in the numerous novels of P. G. Wodehouse.

5. Modern Warfare, by General Tom Thumb

Another nonbook that looked like a real book and was used to decorate a portion of Charles Dickens's personal library.

6. Necronomicon, by Abdul Alhazared (the mad Arab)

A "blasphemous" and "fobidden" work referred to several time in the fantasy and horror tales of H. P. Lovecraft, who died in 1937. This nonexistent book was described as "the ghastly soul symbol of the forbidden corpse-eating cult of inaccessible Leng in Central Asia."

7. On Polishing Off the Canonical Hours (40 vols.) by Master Greedyguts

A satire on the clergy who slighted their rituals and observances. One of the many imaginary works found in the library of the Abbey of St. Victor by Pantagruel, the fictional character created by François Rabelais, who died in 1553.

8. A Practical Handbook of Bee Culture, by Sherlock Holmes

An invaluable, in nonexistent, contribution to human knowledge by the master detective.

9. The Seven Minutes, by J J Jadway (Paris: Étoile Press)

This 171-page most-banned novel in history was a figment of novelist Irving Wallace's imagination in his real book, also called The Seven Minutes. The contents of the nonexistent book, according to Wallace, consisted of "the thoughts in one woman's head during seven minutes of copulation with an unnamed man."

10. Upon the Distinction Between the Ashes of the Various Tobaccos, by Sherlock Holmes

This distinctive monograph by the distinguished detective was probably published between 1880 and 1890. It was Holmes's faithful companion, Dr. John H. Watson, who first spoke of it.

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Can you think of more? Tell me! Notice that THE BOOKS OF LISTS makes no distinction between titles mentioned in fictional works, and, as in the case of Dickens, actual physical objects created to be clever or to hide things.

Perhaps now is a good time to declare my intention to recreate THE BOOK OF LISTS exactly as David Wallechinsky, Irving Wallace, and Amy Wallace wrote it? I mean, c'mon Borges, anybody could channel Cervantes for a time, but try cycling back to 1977 and becoming not only one, but three authors/editors. On the plus side, think of all the supercool '70s fashion I'd get to wear.

Coming soon: 10 Real People Who Inspired Great Characters in Fiction, and 15 People Who Became Words!

Envelope King

My friend Joel, and his friend Ben, have a show in Philadelphia! Shall I casually mention here that I have an early, original Chartkoff around the apartment in NY, on an envelope that contained a card for some bygone birthday of mine? Now I'm wondering: how much I can get for it?

There are lots of words in Joel's drawings, which I love. The words are tiny and not so obvious, but language definitely undergirds his fantastical structures.

Yay, Joel! I'm sorry I haven't called you yet.

Lists. Life.

About a month or so ago, two boxes full of books mysteriously appeared on the path behind our apartment. I was far too lazy and cynical to deign to have a look. "There's probably nothing good in there, or if there was, it's alreay been picked over. People only get rid of clunkers, or Tom Clancy novels." The boyfriend, however, enthusiastically walked the ten or so yards to check it out, and came back with... nothing very good. Except for a Penguin Classics edition of Voltaire's Candide, and the #1 bestseller of 1977: The People's Almanac presents THE BOOK OF LISTS, by David Wallechinsky, Irving Wallace, and Amy Wallace.

Boyfriend and I have been reading Candide together before bed. Really, what usually happens is that he starts reading to me, I doze off, and then the next night we're at Chapter XVI: "The adventures of our two travellers with two girls and two monkeys, and what happened to them amongst the savage Oreillons," and I'm totally lost. And we have to go back and reread the chapter before. And I fall asleep. It's a slim volume, but we'll probably be at it for a while.

Now that I've gotten my hands on it, I realize that THE BOOK OF LISTS is way too stimulating for bedtime reading. The titles alone are enough to get my heart racing: 8 Remarkable Escapes from Devil's Island; 10 Lethal or Incapacitating Durgs Stored by the CIA; 10 Birds That Could Not or Cannot Fly; 15 Prehistoric Things Alive Today; 15 Most Dangerous Airlines; 8 People Who Have Taken Heroin (famous people, that is, not just a list of random kids in Seattle); 8 Cases of Spontaneous Combustion; 8 Celebrities Who Have Had Vasectomies; The 10 Most Common Methods of Suicide; and, one of my faves: 15 Famous Events That Happened in the Bathtub.

The lists are arranged by topic: Chapter 11,"The Literary Life," includes 15 Authors Who Wrote Best-Sellers in Prison and 10 Memorable Books That Never Existed. Looking for 10 Eyewitness Accounts of Levitation? Find it in Chapter 19, breezily entitled "Ah, Sweet Mysteries of Life." As if this wasn't enough, intersperced are subjective lists from notable personages, like Jeane Dixon's 10 Greatest Psychics of All Time, Dr. Margaret Mead's 10 Best Anthropology Books or Studies, Arthur Koestler's 10 Favorite Dinner Guests From All History, and Clifford Irving's 10 Best Forgers of All Time. I'm dizzy already, assiduously mining the contents for choice nuggets to share here with you. From the year my brother was born.

THE BOOK OF LISTS has actually inspired us to start our own list, called "Things in the Road, 2008." A compilation of things we've heard reported to be on various roads in the Bay Area via the KQED traffic report. So far:

a rooster
something dumped from a truck
a body
baked goods
a swarm of bees
buckets
a chair
rolls of insulation

It's a casual, non-scientific sort of list; we add to it when hear something good.

In other news: I have a interview for a job at this place.

In yet other news: I've cooked the rice, boyfriend is chopping and stir-frying the vegetables. As I type, I whisper: what am I telling myself that isn't true? Or: what is the truth I'm not telling?

Books, Bodies, Stage

I'm on a quest for pre mid-20th-century images of naked or undressed women -- women en déshabillé -- reading, or just lounging with books in the vicinity. (And if there also happens to be another version where she's making tea, that's even better!)

For thrills, check out this essay by William B. Warner of UC Santa Barbara. Here's his analysis of the two paintings above:

For critics of early modern novel reading were not just concerned about mimicry of a novel’s action; they were also alarmed about the perverse displacement by which the reader, through the repetitive effects of absorptive reading for pleasure, conducted in freedom and solitude, (in other words in the sort of autonomous erotic reverie the rococo encourages) might become a compulsively reading body. In a painting entitled "Reclining Nude" (figure 18; 1751; Cologne, Wallraf-Richartz Museum), Boucher uses another of Louis XV's mistresses, Louise O'Murphy as a model. Here, the open book to the left of the nude woman reclining on the couch suggests that the equivocal potential of reading novels for pleasure arises in part from a shift in location: one may read these books in the intimate undress of the boudoir. The novel in this setting functions as a stimulant, like tea in the samovar, which has replaced the novel in this rendering of the same model in the same pose in a painting of the same title (figure 19; 1752; Munich, Alte Pinokotk).